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The Vicious Gatherers in the Hall

Welcome back to the chicken patty smelling cafeteria days after a quick summer of procrastinating and arguing with your siblings! The start of waking up at 6am and catching the bus makes the each year more torturous. The first monochromatic day was grey from sleep deprivation- from staying up late to finish the summer reading packet- and hunger- from forgetting to eat breakfast- my mood shifted to from “Ready to Start the School Year!” to sluggish and angsty thoughts. You know, normal stuff.

What we forgot about was the stampede of students we have to navigate to get to class on time.

We see too much of you in the halls, Franklin.

It is necessary to give awareness to the mules, water buffalos, ox’s, hyenas, geckos and love birds that crowd the sides, exact (0,0) center, and stairwells.

“But they’re just talking?” claims the disgruntled mule, sick of being herded, “They are socializing? Being friends?”

Yeah, no. Have the decency to move to the side not cause a commotion, thank you. Every animal belongs to a group’s actions and reason for causing the congestion in the halls- as well as my tardy to class.

The mules who belong who drift between friend groups are the followers. The mules are in school to laugh, to have a good time, and to socialize. Some kinder than others, but still dangerous to rush past them when they’re in your way, so be cautioned.

The water buffalos and ox’s, are loud, typically run after others in their pack, and become a full force are a nuisance. The reason behind their actions vary: to miss the few couple minutes of class, to just messing around with friends before going to class, or because running after each other in a public tax paid building is more entertaining than sitting down taking notes. Ox’s tend to be aggressive, unlike water buffalos. Bump into them with force in the hall, and you risk getting uppercut.

Similar to the water buffalo are the hyenas, who have a reputation of laughing obnoxiously. To our peers with a naturally loud laugh, you’re okay. But the hyena’s laugh, combined with standing completely still in the halls whilst in a circle and with creating a loud disturbance on a daily basis, and you become very wearisome to those who merely wish to listen to sweet jams, and walk to class without altercation.

Geckos are rare; they mostly stick to the side of the wall to avoid a person, pass time, or handle their belongings that requires them to come to a stop. They stick to lockers like branches since they seem to understand the disturbance comes from standing in the middle of the hallway during passing time; polite geckos they are indeed. These polite commotioners come with a small flaw- they tend to be indecisive. As you’re walking, the gecko in front of you comes to a stop and turns around directly in your path and continues going forward rather than move to the other side.

Lastly the love birds, they come in all species of student: ox, hyena, buffalo, or gecko. Most frequently, gecko lovebirds park to the sides of the hallways presumably exchange of sputum or arguments. The other three-options of love birds communicate to each other by standing in the middle of the hall to smooching or quarrel.

The Advice

Explaining these life forms of hallway stop signs is to identify them and spread awareness, which could prevent these stoppages from happening. If you are reading this and have identified your species, you are a human stop sign, kindly stop; you’re a pest to the rest of us, thanks.

As my study hall teacher takes off her sandaled heels, the odor of her feet gave me an epiphany: I, too, am a species, a lone wolf. Being a lone wolf means you care for yourself, and swiftly dodging the animal kingdom, while listening to music, like a lame music video. Be a lone wolf.

Walking with friends may make the walk to your cage seem less zoolike, but the awkwardness between you and your significant other makes the whole animal kingdom uncomfortable. All the dodging of animals and conversation breaking moments means you won’t really have time to have a nice chat with your friends, and then, before you know it, you’re already in front of your classroom and the bell has rung.

If you can’t be a lone wolf, you could always get home schooled.

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